sawyer story.

Hello and goodbye

2012-01-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

Hello. It's been awhile! Finals, Christmas break in Cali, the start of a new semester, health issues... There has been a lot to keep me from this blog.
But really, I'm writing to say goodbye. For awhile, at least.
Every year I come up with a New Year's theme (my antithesis to the resolutions of striving that hold me in bondage), and this year I chose the word simplify. It took me a year and a half of graduate school to realize just how unbelievably hard this life is. For some ridiculous reason I entered into this new life assuming that I could keep up with everything like I always did. Cooking gourmet meals every other night, regularly hosting dinner parties, engaging in art projects, being super social, traveling near and far, keeping up my blog... Yeah, right. Something finally got through to me by the end of last semester, and I was able to see how insane my expectations for myself had been. Juggling motherhood, a marriage, and grad school is more than enough to make me crazy. And so the word simplify came into focus. I desire to strip my life down to its barest roots and cling to only what really matters. In essence, if it isn't a necessity or it isn't life-giving, chuck it. For example, cleaning the bathrooms: a necessity. Yoga classes: life-giving. But blogging? There are times when pouring out my heart through writing is life-giving. But there are many other times when I spend far too long writing, and then get caught up on how many people responded (or didn't respond) to my post, or how boring it was, etc. Those ruminations are definitely not life-giving.
And so--in an effort to nurture myself (and my soul could use some nurturing)--I am letting go of this form of communication for the time being. I'll probably even give up Facebook for Lent again, too. It's difficult swimming upstream against our society's current of "busier is better". But my soul needs a rest. Just writing those words gives me a whisper of peace already.

A holiday as it should be

2011-12-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving was everything a holiday should be...quality time with family, an abundance of yummy comfort food, cozy times around the fire, and plenty of laughter from kids playing. We couldn't have asked for more.

For the first time in 10 years, we got to spend a holiday with Brandon's brother Zac and his family (Hillary, Malakai & Kihana), and Brandon's mom and stepdad. We got a couple days with Z & H and kids in our home before making the road trip up to Grandma Jojo and Grandpa Gordon's cabin in Northern Arizona. Of course, we had to take Z & H to Sedona--our absolutely favorite place in Arizona. (I've said this before, right?:-) And it did not disappoint.It was so rewarding to watch our next generation get excited about hiking and nature!

Then it was 4 days out of civilization. No TV, no internet, no paved roads, hardly any cell phone service, and solar-powered electricity. Always an adventure, and always a retreat.
There was baseball, mountain biking, and horseshoes.The cousins even got to have Christmas morning together!And one of the most special things was getting to watch Soren and Malakai love on each other. They are almost the same age difference as Brandon and Zac, which of course reminded everyone of the Sawyer boys as kids. I'm sure Grandma Jojo was in heaven!At one point on our caravan drive to the cabin Brandon said, "Right now, life feels exactly as it should be." Thank you, God, for glimpses such as these.

What does Advent mean to you?

2011-12-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

The meaning of Advent has been weaving through my inner thoughts over the past week. It's a term I rarely heard spoken as a child and definitely never celebrated in my Evangelical upbringing. But as an adult who now runs in more progressive/liturgical Christian circles, I hear this word regularly and only wish I knew of its meaning. It's more than calendars, small presents, and candle lightings, right? I am hoping that Advent is more than some "25 days of Christmas" sort of thing. So what is it, exactly?
My sister and her husband have decided to celebrate Advent this year by doing something Christmas-y each day in December...ice skating, going to light parades, making Christmas cards, etc.
A blogger in my church fellowship is writing on his personal journey with the weekly themes of Advent.My little home church welcomed the season of Advent last night with a candlelit labyrinth. We spent time walking and reflecting on our journeys and the things we carry, symbolized by stones we literally carried in our hands along the walk. We stopped at various stations along the way to offer thanks, appreciate God's goodness, participate in hope, and experience peace as we let go of the stones/burdens of our lives.
Yet still, I am searching for what is at the heart of the season of Advent. I have heard it is to be a time that we prepare for the coming of our Lord. Beautiful language that often evades me. And so I open up this conversation to you...

What does the Advent season mean to you this year?

Fall. Finally.

2011-11-06T13:23:00.001-08:00

We made it. To November. For us Arizonans, fall comes a little late. I now know that I can count on refreshing, cooler weather by Halloween. We even got an extra little blessing this weekend with a cold front and rain, bringing the temp down to the low 60s. So out of hibernation we crawled, with hopeful hearts and a renewed sense of love for this desert land.Just the 3 of us frolicked through our local farm's fall festival. The simple joys...

milking fake cows...

climbing on tire towers...

petting real cows...

kissing another fake cow...

...oh yes, and measuring Soren's height for the year. He made it to a full 3 feet!

Our little hiker boy!

2011-10-16T20:04:00.001-07:00

I (Brandon) couldn't be more proud of my little guy this week! It is finally cooling down enough in the mornings to have fun outside so I took Soren on a hike. He was so excited to go. We got his Ranger Rick binoculars, his camo shoes, his gecko tanker, and he was ready to go.

We started out by trying to head down a normal trail, but Soren was not having that. He started pointing off the trail into a dried river bed saying: "I wanna go that way!" After trying to lead him back on the trail for a few minutes he ended up laying in the dirt crying. So I gave in and we started our adventure the way Soren wanted to do it. For the next 90 minutes we did not see the trail. He went up and down ravines, over rocks, and through bushes. Any obstacle you can think of he went straight for it. Many times I tried to hold his hand down steep and rocky sections and he got so mad at me. He is a such an independent little guy.

Our local hike was just the start. On Saturday we took a day trip to Sedona and went for a beautiful hike. Sedona is just an amazing place! Such a gem of Arizona.

We brought our carrier, but Soren wanted nothing to do with it for the first hour and a half. We hiked a good 1.5 miles up and down some very rocky and hilly terrain and he just charged it. We would stop to take water breaks every once in a while and Soren would get a quick drink and say: "I wanna hike!" So off we went.

I really haven't pushed him to be so much of a "Sawyer" but he is turning out to be quite the adventurous little guy. However it happened it makes me one proud Dada. I am a truly blessed man with a wonderful adventurous little guy.

Finding my voice

2011-10-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

This week at my immersion session (where we get together for several intense days of class) I had a different and profound experience. Our class was split into two groups, each with a professor, and we ventured into a day and a half of group therapy. What happened there I did not expect. People opened their hearts in such vulnerable ways and revealed brokenness, pain, strength, beauty, wisdom, and love. I learned so much about others. We became like a family. And I learned so much from watching some pretty uncomfortable conflict between group members and the leader. I pondered a lot on my silence in the group and what that means. How much of me is insecurely shy and how much of me is confidently quiet? What is my voice? What do I have to contribute to the group, my clients, all those in my life? I don't have any answers yet. But I am pondering. I want to know who I am more clearly, more confidently. I want to speak out to others with intention, not pushed by fears, insecurities, or expectations of others. I want to know in every crevice of my soul that my voice is worth being heard. And I wonder if my greatest calling is to help my clients, and others, find the gift of their own voice as well.

Why I run

2011-10-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on my run Soren asked me: "Mama, why you running?" And I gave him the short answer: "Because it's good for my body. It makes me healthy and strong." But someday I'm going to give him the long answer:

Source: peace-love-run.tumblr.com via Monique on Pinterest

San Diego

2011-10-08T16:13:00.001-07:00

Jumping on the trampoline...a sweet new friendship between Soren and Quinn...creative beer at Alpine Brewing Company...a luxurious (and free!) date night downtown...a small-town parade on a beautiful fall day...
Just another wonderful weekend in San Diego.

However, there was a tinge of great sadness in the air that weekend. Our sister-in-law's father was suddenly critically ill and in the hospital. He is now making a miraculous recovery, and if you'd like to know more of his story you can visit his Caring Bridge page. Please pray.

My top 10 of Arizona list

2011-08-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a year. A year since we moved to the Phoenix area to start over, chase our career dreams, and make a new life for ourselves. That hot, dark night in August...where we stood on our new doorstep at 1am frantically trying to turn the electricity on, where we fell into our sleeping bags upstairs, trying to let sleep take us when the inside temperature was a sweltering 95 degrees... It seems like yesterday, but then it seems like so far away when I think of all that has gone on in our lives since then. Classes done, friends made, mountains hiked, cities explored, things learned. We have learned a lot this past year, about ourselves, each other, and the journey of life...but what I wanted to tell today is what we have learned about Arizona. So here is my top 10 list of things I've learned about AZ!

10. Everyone knows Arizona is hot. But nothing could have prepared me for the oppression that summer brings. It starts in late May and goes through October. That's right--last year Halloween weekend was the first time it dropped below triple digits. The heat never ends. Even in the wee hours of the morning it's still pushing 90. That means there is never a good time to exercise outside. So we hibernate. For 6 months.
9. It actually gets cold. It's already hard for me to imagine, but I have these vague memories of wearing wool sweaters during the day, and bundling up in all of my fleece (including a fleece ear warmer!) to run in the mornings. But I will never complain about our cold. We welcome winter with open, desperate arms.
8. Phoenix is enormous. Brandon kept telling me that Phoenix was going to be much bigger than San Diego, but I just didn't believe him. I kept denying that fact until I experienced Phoenix traffic. It's quite simply horrendous. And besides that, the Phoenix metropolitan area, with over 4 million people, spans across 9,000 square miles. Which means that it can take up to 2 hours to go from the Southeast corner of the valley to the Northwest corner.
7. Religion is big out here. There are churches on every corner (in the suburbs this is not an exaggeration). And a big trend is advertising your chosen church on your car. Of course your sticker must have a cool mega-church name like "Rock Point" or "Real Life".
6. This is Mormon central. I was shocked to find out that the communities of Gilbert/Mesa are home to the 2nd largest Mormon population outside of Utah. This means LDS churches on every corner, lots and lots of kids in the neighborhoods, and up until recently not being able to order alcohol at restaurants on Sundays (so I've been told). What we have learned from being in this heavy religious culture is to visit our favorite restaurants and play places on Sunday morning--when everyone is in church!
5. And here's another very real implication of a religious culture: extremely conservative politics. I'm gonna try to keep my emotions out of it while I simply state what Arizona politicians have been up to lately: cutting our state Medicaid for all single persons, cutting mental health services (after Jared Laughner shot Congresswoman Gabby Giffords), naming a state gun, ruling that guns be allowed in bars, and you are all familiar with SB1070--the law allowing cops to question a person's citizenship, especially if they look like they don't belong.
4. Arizona Mexican food is entirely different than California Mexican food. It's referred to as the Sonoran style, as opposed to the Baja style I'm used to in San Diego. But I'm still not sure exactly what the difference is yet because I'm having a really hard time just trying to find good, authentic Mexican food at all here.
3. The desert is beautiful. It took me years of visiting my in-laws in Arizona to begin to grasp the mysterious, enchanting beauty of the desert. The vibrant orange-purple-pink sunsets here far surpass any sunset on Sunset Cliffs in SD. And the purple mountains standing so majestic in the distance take my breath away almost every time I glance to the East.
2. Sedona is our state gem. It's a tourist haven, but for very good reason. The magnificent red rock structures that surround the little town of Sedona are of another world. Divine. I say the scenery is just as good as anything Utah's got.
1. Haboobs. Just say it with me:-) Borrowed from the Arabs, this term describes the crazy/nasty/massive dust storms that devour our valley regularly each summer. Last month a gnarly haboob came through--basically a wall of dust 2 miles high that brought visibility to 0, turned the sky dark brown, and put sand in our teeth. They even shut the airport down! Just google it...

Fresh start

2011-08-22T14:07:00.001-07:00

A new semester begins. Starting the school year, getting into a new routine never ceases to capture my excitement. I get pleasant butterflies reminiscing about colorful falling leaves, dry land swim practices on the football field, and new notebooks and pens. Even now, in grad school, in the desert, I love the feel of a fresh start. I love knowing I'll be settling into a cozy routine that I can depend on. It's a constant rhythm between school work, play with Soren, errands, workouts, study dates with Karen, family dinners, evening walks or swims, Dexter nights with Bran, and Sunday morning breakfasts. It's contained chaos...and I love it. The seasons of nature (albeit very subtle in Arizona) and the seasons of the school year give me a steady peace in the continuity of life. I feel sustained in the familiar routines and hopeful for what may come with this fresh start.

Guest blogger!

2011-07-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to introduce my thoughtful, poetic husband Brandon today. I have told him since the beginning that he could write on here, and he has finally decided to take me up on it. Most people probably don't know that he is a lover of poetry and has written quite a few poems to date. Here is his very latest that he wrote during a crazy thunderstorm on our last camping trip:

True Connection

Where is our love in the midst of this concrete and landscaped complex?
Where are our hearts when protected by the walls and gates of our development?
Where is our connection when focused on the manicuring of our own landscapes?
Where is our refreshment when surrounded by the pounding heat and pressures of our lives?

Our hearts yearn for this love, this connection, this refreshment.
We steal away out of these confining walls, these perfectly manicured landscapes, the artificial solidness of the concrete, and the deadening heat of the valley sun.
We come to a place of true solidness
A land of rocks and giant pines that have a way of piercing and jolting our eyes, that have grown accustomed to man-made perfection.
We rise up out of the valley where the heat and pressure of our lives have no jurisdiction.
The peace and beauty of the mountain top forest gives our eyes the chance to see each other again.

But along with the peace and beauty of this natural place comes the power and clash of the storm.
As our walls begin to fall and our connection begins to seem possible the inevitability of the storm is upon us.
The wind picks up, the clouds start to build, and the thunder begins to crash!
The lightning strikes and seems to literally rip through the atmosphere that envelopes us and the walls that protected our hearts.
As the two distinct weather systems collide the rain starts to pour, the hail pounds, and the thunder rattles us to the bone.

At first we fear that we may not be able to withstand this intense collision,
but as we sit under the canopy of our love we know this storm is beautiful and wonderful.
The intensity and the power of this collision is simply a sign of the deep connection and inter-mingling of these two complex weather systems.

Before we know it the wind begins to calm and the sun starts to pierce the clouds.
The two distinct weather systems have seemed to merge.
This merge yields a beautiful warmth that glows deeply into the soul of a marriage.
A piercing sunlight that shines brightly through the clouds of a family and thaws the hearts of all those within.

Thank you Lord for connection.

Camping adventure #2

2011-07-31T15:42:00.000-07:00

We had to go back for more. It was just too refreshing enjoying all the simple pleasures of being in the woods with my boys. So here's a little photo recap of our camping adventure last weekend. Same campground, same great weather (not too warm with daily thundershowers), with a few lessons learned from our first time around: a bike seat for Soren (because the bike trails are the best part), tarps for rain protection (and hail!), and a pack & play so Soren would actually nap and not play in the tent....Of course, Soren had to rock climb......And throw rocks off the cliff with Dada......He learned to say "what's up dude?" every time he put his hood on......Just too cool......The bike seat was a huge hit!......And here's 2 little videos to showcase our awesome views along the rim and Soren singing the entire ride!

Our simple getaway

2011-07-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

We have to get away, we have to get away. This has been my summer mantra, for the obvious reason that Phoenix's average summer temp hovers around 110 degrees. And then when the monsoons come to town it gets crazy humid with that same heat. It's nasty. Brandon and I also realized that this is the first summer of our marriage where we both are working/doing school full-time. Can you believe that? We really should be so grateful that Brandon has always been on a 9-month school schedule and I have always held super flexible jobs that gave me time off in the summer. Summer is when we whisk ourselves away...to Europe, to Hawaii, on road trips...

Enough complaining. Our busy summer schedule and very limited funds have forced us to get back to our roots (roots of our marriage, that is) and enjoy one of life's simpler pleasures--camping!

It was Soren's first camping experience (we hadn't been for 3 years!) and he had an absolute blast. Setting up the tent, roasting marshmallows, sleeping in his own little sleeping bag, doing roadwork with Dad, hiking, and "mountain biking"...he's a natural camper, as we had hoped:-) We also finally learned why Soren was never that interested in his bike--he needed some obstacles like rocks and trails!
Our little mountain biker in the making...Brandon's heart couldn't be prouder. And I couldn't have been happier to escape the heat, the drudgery of school, and just be our simple family of 3.

Today

2011-06-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

Today is an anxious day. I have become more aware of these lately. It scares me a little (of course being in psychiatry I always have mental illness on the mind), but I really believe that it's just because my stress threshold is always close to max at this stage of my life. Being in a very intense graduate program while raising a 2-year-old--all away from home--is enough to put anyone over the edge, right? So I'm just fragile. I seem to feel all of my hormonal changes acutely each month. And if I have a little too much coffee and then get a look from a parent (this happened today after Soren hit his son...agghh!), then I feel ready to cry. It's okay. It just reminds me how vitally important it is to take care of my heart--taking time each day to exercise and time to journal/meditate. Keeping my weekends sacred, only spending time with people who truly bring me joy. Today I'm fragile and I thank God for the reminder...that I am not invincible and I need daily care.

We remember

2011-05-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

Sedona. The place where we spent our glorious three days of freedom together. Each year we go away for a night/few days/week to celebrate our anniversary. It is a glorious tradition, not just because that's what you do to celebrate your marriage, but because it is the one and only trip of the year that is just us. No visiting family or friends, no child. We go back to our roots and remember why it is we're together in the first place. We remembered how much we thrive on doing adventures together. Not only did we discover an incredible gem of great beauty in Arizona, we immersed ourselves in the adventures that lie throughout Red Rock Country. Hiking for hours on end over mountains, along creek beds, through meadows of bright wildflowers...
Mountain biking through rough terrain, and as always, getting in way over my head! (Here I could actually see how far we've come in our marriage because I never once yelled at Brandon for picking such a ridiculously hard trail:-)We remembered how important it is to nurture our own hearts so as to make room for each other. Each afternoon we'd collapse back into our hotel room and spend some time reading and journaling. Coincidentally, we both are reading books by Rob Bell--Love Wins and Sex God--and have both been deeply moved and challenged by his words. There is nothing like a profound book that brings me to my heart's door and encourages me to ponder, pray, and write from within. Especially on a vacation. And especially when Bran is doing the same and we can share our new understandings with each other.

We remembered what so many have told us along the way: Marriage is hard. Almost predictably, we got into a very heated and hurtful discussion the night before our trip. So interesting how that works. Needless to say, we spent the entire trip processing what had been said and attempting to rebuild our loving foundation. 7 years in, we are realizing the simple truth that marriage is hard. It's not about the romance anymore. It's so much more than just partner parenting. It is way greater than a close friendship. God designed this great love between man and woman to reflect the love He has for us, his creation. But we are human, and this divine love does not come easy. So we press on. Remembering why we began this journey of becoming one in the first place. And remembering that learning to love takes a lifetime.

Turning 30 and having a 2-year-old

2011-05-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

I seem to have dropped off the face of the planet for the last month or so. I had forgotten how the end-of-the-school-year does that to you. Exhaustion, anxiety, complete lack of motivation, dread. I guess I can finally see that grad school is much harder than working ever was. But that’s all over now. (At least for 3 weeks.) I have officially completed one whole year of graduate school!!! So now I can celebrate by getting caught up on the rest of my life…like blogging:-)

April was a very full and fun month. I turned 30! I use an exclamation mark with caution, as it has been a little tenuous entering into the decade of 30’s. But I decided to ring in the new decade with as special a celebration as I could. So…I met my mom and sisters in Napa for a weekend of sweet indulgence…good wine, amazing food, and shopping at the best J.Crew outlet I have ever seen. And of course, sharing the company of my dearest friends was the biggest treat of all.

Four days later my baby turned 2! One friend texted me, “I don’t know which is crazier—you turning 30 or you having a 2-year-old.” I couldn’t agree more.

We decided to go low-key this year and just had a nice, relaxing weekend with Bran’s parents, aka Grandma JoJo and Grandpa Gordon. Soren had an absolute blast at this cool train park in Scottsdale. As you can see, trains are his obsession of the moment. And here’s a video of him trying out his new bike for the first time. I think it’s gonna be awhile before he’s bombing down hills like Daddy’s hoping!

We had a really special Easter this year because the Kemps came to visit! This time it wasn’t 110 degrees, so we actually got to play outside. I think 85% of our weekend was actually spent in our front yard. As always, we had lots of great food, chats, and fun watching our kids enjoy each other. Soren definitely remembers his best friends:-)

Spring fever

2011-04-02T20:27:00.001-07:00

Ever since our return from Morocco I haven't been able to motivate myself in school. I have a vague memory of this sort of apathy/burnout thing happening to me in college after spring breaks...spring fever, was it? Blame it on the intense semester and a half I've endured, the suddenly super warm weather, and a relaxing visit from my sis and bro-in-law...because I've gotten a taste of springtime and I just wanna play!...Uncle Patrick and Aunt Yvette got Soren a super sweet train set for his birthday...
..."Whas dis?" --Soren's favorite phrase right now...
...Have I mentioned how much I love hiking out here? This is what AZ has got to offer, so we are making the most of it!

Adventure in Morocco

2011-03-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone said we were crazy. Heck, we thought we were crazy for attempting to pack an Arabian adventure into 6 days over spring break. But we did it. And oh my goodness, was it worth it.
First of all, we were so blessed to have Brandon's brother Zac and his family as our hosts. Morocco is a country I would be intimidated to visit alone! (For example, the driving is insane!!)

The (other) Sawyer fam took us to all of their favorite places and gave us new cultural experiences every day.
We spent the first two nights in Marrakech, a more touristy place that exudes old world exotic beauty. We stayed in a gorgeous resort, which was a wonderful retreat after 30+ hours of travel! Our first adventure was driving up into the mountains above Marrakech where Bran and Zac had an awesome and scenic mountain bike ride. Hill and I played with the kids in the most amazing playground I have ever seen!

Then that night we braved the biggest adventure of the trip—exploring Marrakech’s medina in pouring rain on a crowded Friday night. I will never forget that experience of stimulation overload…snake charmers, men putting monkeys in the kids’ faces, tables of teeth, stand after stand of delectable nuts and fruits, store owners beckoning us in Arabic/French/English, mopeds flying all around us…and the beautiful, crazy scene after nightfall. It was so surreal I felt like I had been transported into a movie!

The rest of our trip we spent back at Zac and Hill’s home in Casablanca. We got to experience the Moroccan French culture with Sunday brunch at a fabulous French café…We toured the third largest mosque in the world—simply breathtaking…We visited “Mr. Sawyer” and Malakai’s school…The girls got henna done…

Hill and I had a very different but none-the-less relaxing experience at a Turkish bath (no pictures here!)…

We did more shopping at the haboos (yay for super cheap poufs!!)…and we got to eat at the luxurious gas station restaurant that Z & H have been raving about! Did I mention that the food in Morocco is amazing?? Flavorful chicken with fruits, nuts, and olives, savory breads, the creamiest yogurt you have ever tasted, and sweet mint tea as an after-meal treat! (Soren couldn’t get enough of the tea.) Oh yeah, and an international adventure isn’t complete unless you eat something that sounds disgusting…In Casablanca’s haboos, the specialty food item is camel! I promise, it actually tasted really good:-)

But of course, the highlight of our trip was getting to spend quality time with our dear family and experience their unique life in North Africa. The cousins had an absolute blast with each other, which was such a delight to watch. We love you, Zac, Hill, Malakai and Kiki, and we are so thankful for your open hearts and home!!

Time to laugh

2011-02-28T11:42:00.000-08:00

This morning my heart's prayer is for perspective. It seems that each Sunday I get in a funk...Church brings up emotions that have been hiding all week, Bran and I argue about stupid stuff and then try to analyze our marriage, and then I get stressed looking at the week ahead. On our walk yesterday, it just kind of hit me how serious we take ourselves. That has always been our virtue to a fault--we try to stay healthy, go deep, and analyze everything--to the point where we can't just enjoy the moment and laugh at ourselves. That is exactly what I want to do right now--laugh. Laugh at our feeble attempts to protect ourselves from the inevitable pain of big life changes. Laugh at the silly things we stress about, when really, there is nothing that should concern us. Laugh at my expectations for a perfect life in Arizona when I've only lived here 6 months! Laugh at the way Bran and I hone in on the tiny bumps in our marriage instead of rejoicing in the wonderful family we have created. Because really, life is good. We get to just be students for 3 years...soaking in exciting knowledge, being in stimulating academic environments, advancing our careers...all while enjoying a quiet family life in the desert. This season of life is a gift. And I want to laugh at myself as I constantly miss what's right in front of me.

True friends

2011-02-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

Friendship--the truest kind--is life-giving. That is what we experienced last weekend on our visit to San Diego. Coming home to true friends...where our hearts were free to relax, laugh, stay still, and just be. A weekend experiencing everything that makes us happy...amazing food...the beach...our favorite city...and true friends. And what topped it all off was watching Soren's heart run free too. He was in absolute heaven all weekend playing with his best friends as well. Thank you--Aaron, Christine, Zeke, Drew, Janz, Damien, Kevin, Sonya, Emerson and Quinny--for giving us new life to continue on our difficult journey in Phoenix. It was so nice to be home for a weekend!*The really good photos on this post come from Kevin at go.do.photography*

10 years

2011-02-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

10 years ago last Wednesday, Brandon and I started our relationship. February 9, 2011 came and went as a fun "dating anniversary", a perhaps more subdued one due to our lack of finances, time constraints, and logistics of getting a babysitter. Don't get me wrong, we did have fun. Ever since we moved here we've been hearing about how Phoenix is hiding the country's best pizza...so we decided to wait in line (a two-hour wait minimum) and find out. Pizzeria Bianco was truly a treat. We were pleasantly surprised to find that they own a wonderfully cozy wine bar next door in a quaint, old Craftsman-style home. Two hours goes fast when you are snuggled in the corner of this charming house with a glass of delicious wine and your honey by your side. When we finally did make it into the pizzeria we were met with a tiny, brick-covered room lit by a large fire-roasting oven. The pizza was fabulous. And what made it so great was the simplicity of it all. A thin, very fresh crust with a thin layer of fresh tomato sauce, a smattering of authentic mozzarella cheese, and a few large leaves of from-the-garden basil. Nothing about the flavors hit you right away and made you exclaim "Wow!". But it was good, so simply good, as if you had never really tasted pizza before and this was what pizza was supposed to taste like.
Okay, so I'm not normally a food blogger, and it may seem that I've gotten off track. But here's what I realized after an anticlimactic celebration of our 10 years together: The pizza is like our relationship. Most of the time there's no wow factor, no magical romance, no skipping heartbeats. The way we fell in love was slow, subtle, and with careful thought and trepidation. But our relationship is good, so good. We are best friends, partners in life, parents, and lovers. We admire each other, respect each other, help each other, understand each other. With Brandon my heart is at home. With Brandon I am most free to be me. In our purest moments I sense that we are experiencing God's heart for marriage.So here's to 10 more years of diving into the beautiful subtleties of life with Brandon.

A tribute to the present

2011-01-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

Blogging is a really good test for me in my issue of perfectionism. It bugs me when I haven't posted for several weeks, and then when good stories, trips, and pictures pile up I feel like I have to blog about it all before my life can feel settled. Okay, maybe that's a little extreme. But I know many of you know what I'm talking about. A need--albeit somewhat neurotic--to have it all together, in real life...and online. So before I blog about the highlights of our winter break, I am going to stop and pay tribute to the present (i.e. mindfulness...a big topic for another blogging escapade...).This weekend I came face to face with Arizona's quiet beauty. Quiet, because we were literally out in the middle of nowhere. Brandon's mom and stepdad have a cabin up in northern Arizona that is off the grid and tucked away in a juniper field on a bumpy dirt road. You don't hear or see a soul while you're up there. It is an eerie silence--one that makes you feel isolated, alone, lost, and then at peace. And while you're wondering just why anyone would want to hang out in such a desolate place, you suddenly notice the way the sun hits the weeds around you and makes them glow a warm yellow. You feel the crunch of rocks and dirt underneath your feet and feel a sense of grounding. You feel the chilling wind blow across your face and thank God for the fire burning inside. And then the sky is suddenly ablaze with brushstrokes of pink, orange, purple, and red. A glorious masterpiece is created right before your eyes and you feel as though you've won something you didn't deserve.The desolate wilderness was a gift to me this weekend. I had just finished up my first week of this new semester and my heart was already racing with thoughts of future papers, readings, and clinical hours. Without any bit of my conscious effort, Arizona's quiet beauty reminded me of the present. Because, see, I can experience that same subtle desert beauty here in Phoenix, each and every day. I don't have to wait for the cabin escape...I just have to follow the sun's rays, feel the earth beneath me, listen for the wind, and keep my eyes open.

Mele Kalikimaka!

2011-01-03T14:39:00.001-08:00

What a merry Christmas we had in Maui this year. We rotate Christmases between our three sets of parents, so every third year we get to spend a relaxing, warm Christmas in Hana, Maui with Daddio and Vicki! (Also known as Pop Pop and Grandma Wiki:-)Oh, the simple fun...like trying out starfruit and hunting for papayas in the front yard...

...picking tomatoes with Grandma Wiki...
...and hiking down to the tidepools below the house for a quick dip.

We always love to get in our favorite non-tourist hike--what we like to call Mumu Land.Soren couldn't get enough of climbing on all the lava rocks!
One of the things we love about staying with grandparents is free babysitting! So we snuck out to the Hotel Hana-Maui for a little date night:-)
One morning we all happened to wake up around 6am and got to witness one of the most incredible sunrises I have ever seen!

You could even see the volcanoes of the big island!

If you look closely in this picture, you can see us standing on the gazebo. WOW.

And then there's our favorite beach in the whole wide world--Hamoa.

Bran and I had a blast playing like kids...Here I am boogie boarding right next to Bran body surfing.

Our naked, happy, free boy...

...and his little nudie friend he made on the beach!

Lucky for us, we only had two rainy days on our whole trip. Playing Pop Pop's drums was a fun indoor diversion for Soren.

I might have mentioned before that Soren is a bit of a flirt. Well, here he is with his much-older Hawaiian girlfriend Gracie who he was completely enchanted with!

Of course, the Sawyer boys had to have a project going in the woodshop--this time it was making Bran a bedside lamp out of Hawaiian milo wood.

On Christmas Eve, Bran, Soren and I took off by ourselves to do another favorite hike--Seven Sacred Pools. We were blessed with an incredibly beautiful day. I don't know if we've ever seen Seven Pools in full sunshine!

Then we finished off the gorgeous day with a sunset session at Hamoa.

Mele Kalikimaka!

Soren's most special gift was this handmade tractor by Pop Pop.

The boys spent Christmas afternoon golfing a private 9-hole course in the jungle.

Nothing beats breakfast on the deck with a beautiful view and fresh papaya and starfruit.
Every trip to Maui we always have to do something touristy. So we rounded up our last day on the island with a sunset whale watching excursion. It was amazing!! One whale dramatically surfaced 20 yards from our boat!

Thank you Daddio and Vicki for an awesome Christmas vacation!

God's sense of humor

2010-12-13T12:12:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that we found a church? One that we love and are ready to commit to? It really is a miracle. And the irony of it all is that its a mega-church. I cringe just writing that word. The last two churches we've been a part of have been house churches. Meaning a casual group of somewhere between 6 and 20 people. Not even close to the 4,000 that meet each weekend at our new church MISSION. Mega-churches just seem to go against everything we believe in about life and God. We desire depth, intimacy with others, authentic community, and a stripping away of programs, showy-ness, and rules. But here is this huge church that embodies what we think God designed the church to be about. In an enormous auditorium filled with thousands of people we don't know, we feel at home. Worship is truly an incredible experience. Somehow the talented band and fancy graphics don't make me feel like I'm at a concert--instead I feel moved to tears as I humbly sing to my Creator. The message each Sunday comes from a pastor who exudes depth, intelligence, and a passion for loving God by serving others. And the people we interact with each week don't always look or act perfect. We don't get any sense that this church is a place to put on your best face or make everyone feel entertained.
Like I said, it's a miracle. I feel like God is almost laughing at me, in a gentle "I told you so" kind of way. Because my spiritual journey has been a windy one, full of anger, rebellion, and judgment. I walked away from the church (organized religion) years ago and found freedom in accepting all the secular people of the world who used to be "the others" I was supposed to save. But in accepting the secular world I had inadvertently switched my judgment to the Christian world. And now God has opened my heart to accept the Christian world via a mega-church. Ironic, isn't it? God truly does work in mysterious ways. And I am so, so thankful for it.

Thanksgiving on the farm

2010-12-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

After living in Arizona for 3 months and enduring some pretty brutal heat--that didn't end until late October--it was quite the reprieve to go home for Thanksgiving. We finally got to feel cold and experience beautiful fall colors! Soren also had a blast living the farm life for a whole weekend. He got to go on daily tractor rides with Papai and Bran, play basketball, guitar, and piano with Uncle Scotty, and pick fruit to put in the old wagon Mamae dug up! And it was so cute watching Soren play with his second-cousin Addie. I think his vocab grew a ton hanging out with her!
It was so wonderful for Bran and I to relax in the comforts of laying by the fireplace, surrounded by the people who know and love us so well. After spending the last few months adjusting to a new state, a new lifestyle, and new people, it was just so nice to come home, in every sense of the word.

Just breathe.

2010-11-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

Here is my journal entry this morning. I have been stressing about a paper I need to write today, and then God's words to me came through...

Breathe. This day is good. You have powerful words to write, life-giving words to write, freedom to experience in your reflections. These words are for no one but yourself. So fly. Be moved, be joyful, be at peace. God is doing a mighty work in you...and you know that. Be thankful for his abundant grace, his attention to detail, his perseverance in each day with your soul. God is so good. What He has made is good. What you will make is good. Just breathe.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Stop striving. Let go. Be you.

2010-11-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

It's getting to that time of year again when we start thinking about New Year's resolutions, and I have finally finished my project for last year's resolution/theme! My theme for 2010 meant so much to me that I wanted to make an artistic rendition of it and then hang it in my room to be reminded of it each day. It took almost the entire year, but here it is! Key words for my soul: Stop striving. Let go. Be you.
I'm thinking I might continue with this theme at least until my 30th birthday (agghh!!) in April. I decided on my birthday this last year that my goal for 30 was to become so much more comfortable in my own skin. I've always heard that your 30s are so much better than your 20s because you finally know who you are and can enjoy life so much more because of it. It will probably be a life-long lesson, but I'm hoping for a fresh start at 30. Not a defining moment, but a place where I can look back and be satisfied with my 30 years of growth, maturation, and development of my unique identity. I need a plateau in the climbing so that I can embrace my new-found freedom and gaze at the exciting terrain in front of me...
Here's to stopping the race, letting go, and loving being me at 30!

New family photos!

2010-11-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

Our first friends to brave the heat and make a visit out here were the Kemps. It was the end of September but still over 100 degrees all day. Well, we made the best of it, and were so thankful that Kevin even did a family photo shoot for us. Brandon's campus has some beautiful desert landscaping so we decided to embrace our new surroundings and the local cacti:-) Kevin got some great shots to add to his new photography blog so please go check it out! And click here to see our favorites...

This one's for my dad

2010-11-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

Not only is Soren making my dad (Papai) proud by being obsessed with tractors AND dressing up as a farmer for Halloween...now he's getting into golf! His first golf experience was a few weeks ago in Palm Springs with Grandma Jojo.

My parents got Soren a play golf set for Christmas last year, but since he wasn't even crawling then we put it way up high in his closet. Well, yesterday we decided to finally take it down and see what Soren was made of. He definitely loves swinging his golf club around!

Get ready for some competition in a few years, Dad...

Soren's first medical lesson

2010-11-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today my heart almost burst with pride for my little guy. Soren happened to pick up my stethoscope and immediately started saying "ears!" while trying to put it in his ears! I helped him put it on the right way and then let him listen to my heart. I gave him a little lesson about how the heart goes "boom-boom" and then he started running around the house with the stethoscope around his neck yelling "boom-boom! boom-boom!". So awesome that at 18 months my little boy is getting excited about medical stuff! But I promise we won't be pressuring him into the healthcare field or anything...

Beauty for ashes

2010-10-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering what life would be like if I was physically at 100%. Right now I've got another cold and am still battling my allergies. Not to mention Brandon and Soren are both getting over nasty viruses too! Add to that an intense amount of schoolwork that seems to keep adding up, back-to-back travel weekends, and my clinical rotation that starts tomorrow. It's a battle every day to ward off anxiety, to sum up the energy to play with Soren, and to find the creativity to connect with Brandon. I feel like I'm holding onto life by a thread.
Ahhh... But I know that without the hard times I wouldn't recognize the good times... I wouldn't grow in the depths of my soul... I wouldn't make art out of pain... I wouldn't hear God's voice as clearly...
So what beauty can come from these ashes of sickness, fatigue, stress, and failure today? First I can begin by listening for God's still, small voice deep within...

(Click here for an old Christian song that never ceases to move me.)

Kisses, thank you & 1,2,3

2010-09-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Finally, a long-overdue Soren update. It seems like he has grown up so much since we moved to Arizona just one month ago! First, he kicked his second nap right after he got here. It's nice when he takes one 3 hour nap a day, but not so nice when he thinks he can get away with 1.5 hours. You parents know the routine--meltdown at 5pm.

And as soon as Bran and I started school Soren started preschool too! (Above pic is his first day of school.) It's definitely been an adjustment for him--taking naps on a mat in a roomful of kids (I can't believe he does it!), getting to know a lot of new people, and saying goodbye in the mornings. But thankfully he's only going 2 half days a week and he's already learning a ton! The second week of school he started saying "thank you" (more like "tank u") and now he says it for everything! And this week he just randomly started counting in his high chair!

Needless to say we are so proud and can't believe our little boy is growing up so fast.

Here's a pic of his first piece of artwork he brought home from school...

Here he's chowing on some good ol' Sawyer taco meat...

He absolutely loved his first quasi-hiking experience a few weekends ago--getting super dirty and attempting to jump off rocks...

He now climbs onto his rocking chair by himself and starts reading his books...

Here he is singing in the bathtub..

Oh yeah, and he attempted to help me decorate!

But our favorite thing that Soren's been doing lately is giving kisses. He loves kissing with his big sound effect and kisses absolutely EVERYTHING--his stuffed animals, tractors, bath toys, hamper, even his meat! We are so happy he's turning into such a loveable and affectionate little guy:-)

Hello Arizona.

2010-09-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

Arizona is our new home. This reality is finally starting to sink in. To be honest, this has brought about some melancholy in the Sawyer household, but that's to be expected. Thankfully we've been through this before and so we hold onto the perspective that this quiet, lonely stage won't last forever, and that before we know it our life will be full and we'll be missing these first simple days. That being said, we've been pleasantly surprised with what Arizona has to offer so far. Our house is just beautiful (click here for pics of our almost-finished place) and our neighborhood is scenic, quiet, and close to absolutely everything. Speaking of our neighborhood, we are surrounded by alfalfa fields and old tractors which is very reminiscent of my hometown and quite comforting! (Not to mention that Soren is in heaven with the tractors.) It's hot, but we've found great relief in our neighborhood pool and these wonderful things Arizona has called splash pads.
We've scoped out our huge local library, and even escaped into the beautiful rim country for a day to get views of pine trees and beautiful lakes. My favorite find has been a local gem called The Coffee Shop, where I go several times a week to study and get urban/hipster/artsy inspiration. They've also got an awesome restaurant next door called Joe's Farm Grill. These will definitely be our go-to's for visitors!
As for the reason we're here, Bran and I are diving into our studies full-force and enjoying them immensely. Although by looking at the difference in our books (mine are the two stacks to the left and Bran's is the one on the right) you might say I'm jumping in at a fuller force:-) I personally feel like my mind is coming alive in a way I never dreamed of. It's exhilarating to be here.(ASU Polytechnic: Bran's campus)(ASU Downtown: my campus)
So come visit!

Poopoo face

2010-08-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

Here is an unknown fact: Soren's first (and only) song he's learned is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". Anytime we say "face" he starts in with "Po-po-po-po...". Kind of embarrassing, but so hilarious.
And another equally comical, maybe (?) less embarrassing fact: Soren has not only learned the word "poopoo", but knows how to fake going poop as well! Here's a mash-up of our ridiculous family humor!

Cloud of change

2010-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

I guess I haven't made the official announcement yet...
We are moving to Phoenix! Brandon and I are both starting doctoral programs next month at Arizona State University--me in psychiatric nursing and Bran in exercise physiology. We are super excited to continue on in our career development, but also a bit anxious about ANOTHER move, this time with a 15-month-old! My journal entry this morning sums up where my heart is at the moment...

I have entered the cloud of change. I finally put words to my awkward melancholy state this past weekend. At least this cloud, this fog, is becoming familiar. I realize that the end is in sight and I almost numb myself to the sad goodbyes and uncertainty of the future. I feel as if I'm floating to the end, moved along by the current of life choices I've already made, with a vague sense of uneasiness about what lies beyond the end. I guess this is the way I cope. But I know it could be healthier. And so I'm trying to spend more time talking with Brandon and writing in my journal about the fleeting thoughts and feelings inside of me. My biggest sadness: leaving our community of friends, especially the Kemps, who have become family to us. My biggest fear: not being able to balance motherhood and school. I need to sit in these personal truths for awhile. It's okay to grieve our losses and it's okay to be afraid of a challenging, new stage of life. If there's one thing I've learned in all our life changes so far it's this: God is faithful and full of surprises. Arizona will offer people or things we couldn't experience anywhere else. And the cloud of change will pass.

Independence Day

2010-07-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

How fitting that the week of July 4th Soren captured his own independence on his two chubby feet! Here's a look at his progression over the last week...

...Now he just can't get enough of walking EVERYWHERE! (Which makes Mama and Dada very tired, of course:-)

Shout-out to the grandparents

2010-06-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

We're living a crazy life right now so blogging will come later. But I couldn't help quickly posting this video of Soren giving a shout-out to his grandparents Pop-pop, Mamae, and Grandma Jojo! He seems to be learning new words every day so more names are coming...

Mr. Personality

2010-05-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today I make a prediction: Soren will be voted "best personality" in his high school yearbook. From day one he has surprised and delighted us with his charming smile, contagious giggle, and his hilarious antics to make us laugh. Brandon and I are always saying to each other, "Where did he come from?" He is such a ham. Friendly to every person he meets and always wanting to be the center of attention. It is such a delight to see that he is not a little Brandon or mini-Monique, but his very own unique person. So here are some recent videos showcasing Soren's most wonderful personality:-)
Making his best sound effects...

Reading to himself...

And learning to play ball with Dada.

Airplane birthday party!

2010-05-10T10:59:00.001-07:00

It's a little late, I know, but I finally gathered all the gorgeous pictures (taken by Kevin & Sonya Kemp) of Soren's birthday party! Click here to check out the festivities...

My big birthday weekend.

2010-04-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be fun to have Soren tell about his big weekend:
"Today is my birthday!!!My first gift was a tractor book from Mama and Dada. You can tell I loved it by all my grunting.
For my birthday Mama took me to my favorite park--Liberty Station--to play.Check out what the wind did to my hair! I'm so cool...Later that afternoon the UPS guy brought me a really big box and I helped Dada put my new toy together. (Well, I kind of got distracted by the yummy flavor of Dada's screwdriver.)I love my wagon but I'm not quite sure how to use it yet!
The next day I went to my other favorite place--the beach--with my family (and tractor, of course).Mamae dug me a big hole to sit in and drive my tractor in too.I couldn't believe Mama let me eat my teether biscuit all covered in sand! (She said I had a really sandy poop the next day.)Grandma Jojo surprised me at the beach and I was so excited that I went over and nuzzled with her.The next morning Aunty Yvette read to me about tractors and put tractor stickers on me.Then I had my birthday party. My highlight was being pushed around by my buddy Josiah. (Mama says she'll share more about my party later.)That night Grandpa Gordon fed me dinner. We had a nice chat.I got soooo many cool presents for my birthday. But I really kept wanting more tractors, and so I got super excited when my very last gift was a big fancy tractor from Mamae and Papai!"

Today.

2010-04-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today is a special day. Today Soren turns ONE. A year ago today I received the most incredible gift of my life--new life. A year ago today I experienced a love far beyond myself. A year ago today I became a mother. A year ago today I met Soren.
He has changed my life forever and I can't imagine life without him. He has inspired me to love selflessly, give tirelessly, and laugh freely. He draws up so much joy from my heart that I sometimes feel my heart will burst. Most amazingly, he has given me glimpses into the father and mother heart of God. I am beginning to embrace God's love for me more deeply because of the way I love my son.
I recently came across the lyrics to a song that brought tears to my eyes. God gave me Soren as a gift--to teach me about his love.

Can't Wait
by Sara Groves

When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoesYour one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that i have lost along the way
And I can't wait
As you grow, I'll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
How to say your prayers before you go to bed
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important thingsAnd all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait

How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?
Oh you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important (essential) things
And all that i have lost along the wayAnd I can't
No I can't
Come teach me
Of love and dreams
And all the most essential thing
And all that I have lost along the way
Cause I can't wait

As I prayed one year ago: "May I give Soren back to you each day, never forgetting the gift he is to me." Amen.

Tractor's the word

2010-04-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Mommy and Daddy couldn't be more proud...Soren said his first word--tractor!! Well, he's been saying "mama" and "dada" for a little while now, but because those words gradually took on meaning for him they didn't feel so exciting. But when he said "tractor" for the first time it was a totally different sound and he obviously knew what he was saying. And once he said it, it became his new favorite word. He calls all of his trucks "tractor" as well and when we ask him where his tractor is he starts repeating the word and crawling as fast as he can for his closest truck. Being that my dad is a farmer and had actually given Soren his first tractor ride a few weeks ago, he was the first one to find out. We laughed about it together and decided that Soren may look like a Sawyer but he's starting to talk like a Thiesen!

It's a BOY!

2010-03-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Soren will be getting a boy cousin to play with in August! Our sort-of brother and sister-in-law Andrew and Janneke just found out this last weekend the sex of their baby. We happened to be visiting for the weekend and were thrilled to share in their special time with them. And now it's so fun to picture Soren with a little buddy in the family! We so can't wait for this precious little boy to make his big appearance!!

And another little fun video of Soren's priceless laugh...:-)

Yay for spring break!

2010-03-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

Last week was Brandon's spring break, and even though I kept working, it still felt like a break for all of us. We decided to--for once--not go anywhere and make it a "staycation". Staying in San Diego for a vacation just makes perfect sense! So we did all of our favorite local things...we had a picnic at Balboa Park, we went to the zoo, we went out to eat a lot, we went for a bike ride, and we went to the beach. Now that Soren is mobile he is just so much fun outside, especially at the beach. He loves crawling around in the sand and then stopping to watch the planes fly over--his VERY favorite thing. Here's our precious little guy loving life in our favorite place!

Farewell Mr. T

2010-03-13T14:29:00.000-08:00

I still can't believe we actually got rid of our dear cat Mr. T this week. That sounds so sad, doesn't it? But for all of you who knew him, you probably understand. First of all, he had a voice like no other cat I know. He was constantly talking/whining/howling so that every time someone called on the phone they thought it was our baby crying. He also had major jealousy issues with Soren. Our crib is completely scratched up from Mr. T climbing in (despite countless swats of discipline), and Soren was constantly bombarded by howls outside his bedroom door when he went down for his naps. And the final straw for us was the way Mr. T would wake us (and Soren) up every morning at 6am howling outside our balcony door. Now that we are parents we value each and every minute of sleep that we get, hence Mr. T had to go.But I really will miss him...our naps together every day when I was pregnant,
his affectionate nature and need to cuddle,
the way he shared my lap with Soren as a newborn,and the huge smile he brought to Soren's face everytime he walked into the room.Thankfully he's found a new home with another cat friend and a lady who can love him better than we could.

On the move!

2010-03-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

I guess we better start buying outlet covers and gates for the staircase because Soren is now on the move! We are just excited that he is finding independence and will be able to entertain himself exploring the world:-)

Our little socialite

2010-03-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

At this point in Soren's little life it has become very clear that he is a social little guy! Every time we are in public he is constantly scouting out strangers to see who will give him eye contact, a smile, or any kind of attention. Already he is teaching me to break out of my shy shell by making friends everywhere we go! So in honor of our little socialite, here are some pics of Soren having fun with the many favorite people in his life!
Every Monday and Wednesday is a playdate with Quinn!
Grandma Jojo made a special visit recently.
Trying to keep up with the big boys, Banning and Roddick.
A future athletic trainer? Maybe...but for now he's just pure entertainment for Brandon's students:-)
Ahhh...brotherly love with Mr. T. That is, until Soren starts pulling on his whiskers and driving his monster truck on him. Then the claws come out:-)

Our happy place

2010-02-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had the most amazing, precious time with Soren. And I got a glimpse into the heart of God. We went for a walk at Mission Beach and afterward sat on the beach for awhile. Normally he likes it at first but then he gets restless or starts eating the sand. But yesterday he was in heaven the whole time and actually started crying when I put him back in the stroller! He just sat in the sand squealing with delight as he dug his toes in and tossed sand around. He hummed as he looked up at the seagulls and beach flag. He scooted all over the place and laughed at his independence. I was in heaven just watching him. To see my son so full of pure joy and delight in my happy place was perfection. And then it hit me--this must be an inkling of how God feels when he watches me delight in his beach. Or when he watches me delight in any of his creation, be it nature or people. My heart could not have been more full. To think that I could fill God's heart!

The gopher phenomenon

2010-02-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

This last weekend I met up with my mom and sister Dani in New York City for our second annual girls weekend. (Okay, not quite annual yet since our last trip to Chicago was in 2006 and with just my mom and me. But we're hoping to make it such...) Anyways, we had a BLAST. Yes, it was freezing cold. But so pretty! I landed at JFK as the sun was coming up, illuminating a splendid city of skyscrapers covered in snow. And we hit that snow-covered ground running. Two full days of walking and eating good ethnic food and walking and drinking coffee and walking and shopping, and did I mention walking? God, I love traveling. It just makes me come alive exploring a new place and getting peeks into a culture different than my own. And doing that with my beloved mother and sister makes it all the better. Which reminds me...my mother's quirky, comical view of the world was the icing on the cake this weekend. Dani and I tried to keep track of all of her hilarious comments and by far the most amusing comment was what she exclaimed every time we came out of the subway tunnel: "Don't you just feel like a gopher the way we go down underground, travel, and then pop our heads up in an entirely different place?" The gopher phenomenon--sums up our weekend quite well:-)(You can go here for more pics.)

Just some videos...

2010-02-07T19:19:00.001-08:00

It's been awhile since we've posted any cute little videos of Soren, so here you go! The first one is of him playing with his favorite toy, monster truck. He's such a boy already!
And the second one is of him being hyper/delirious right before bedtime. He gets such a kick out of anyone coming down the stairs!

I love my little angel.

2010-01-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

What am I supposed to do with this face?

Fun with friends

2010-01-19T14:05:00.000-08:00

Over Christmas break we spent a lot of time with our favorite friends--Kevin, Sonya, Emerson and Quinn--so I thought I'd post some highlights.
We spent New Year's weekend together in Idyllwild where we enjoyed lots of Wii time in our jammies, beautiful walks in the woods, and yummy dinners at night. We even found a little crusted snow to go sledding on!
Little Quinny just couldn't keep her hands off Soren:-) We couldn't figure out why he was so upset until we saw that she was gripping his ear!
We've had fun doing park dates, sunset beach walks, and tidepool explorations.
We love our friends!

Wisdom from the French girl

2010-01-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

So my mom has requested that I post little updates of my progress on my "new year's theme" throughout the year. The first thing that comes to my mind is a delightfully inspiring book I recently discovered from my mother entitled Entre Nous. It's subtitle: "A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner French Girl". Sounds like another book glorifying this lofty ideal we Americans have of the French. Yes, sort of, but so much more. I haven't yet finished the first chapter and already I've had to stop and try to breathe the author's wisdom in. I don't want to overwhelm you with all its goodness at once so let me just take my time and post little excerpts that speak to me in my quest for an authentic and graceful life.

"If you strip away the stereotypes and contradictions about her, one of the fundamental qualities associated with the French girl is her sense of self possession. She is entirely, unequivocally self-contained. She is focused on living her own full life, following her own agenda and cultivating her actual self, rather than reinventing herself or pining away to be someone she's not. Throughout her life, she invests herself in learning and experiencing, not to change who she is, but to become more fundamentally and more fully who she truly is."

New Year's theme

2010-01-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Stop striving. Let go. Be you.
I like to call them themes instead of resolutions. It's like a concept of growth that I'd like to focus on for the year. And at this point in my life it's about time I start learning to embrace my unique identity and gracefully grow into the wonderful person God created me to be. I'm so sick and tired of getting caught up in our society's current rat race for perfection and glamour in every area of our lives. This competition of facades is spurred on by Facebook, Twitter, and yes, even personal blogs. It seems that so many women around me are just striving...for a thinner body, trendier clothes, a nicer house, more friends, a perfect-looking life online. I'm tired of trying to keep up.
This year I want to begin to relish what things in life make me come alive. My son, my husband, sunsets over the ocean, a good run, my quirky church community, an inspiring book, laughter and depth with friends, silence. I've wasted far too many years trying to be an ideal that I'm not. It's time to stop striving and start falling into my own beautiful skin.

Coming home...

2009-12-30T21:01:00.001-08:00

So after 10 days away, I couldn't wait to unload the car and head out to watch the sunset at Sunset Cliffs. Oh my goodness, it did not disappoint! The beauty of the sky, the warmth of the air, and the intoxicating smell of salt water swept me up into overwhelming gratitude for our home in San Diego. It was the perfect homecoming.

Christmas.

2009-12-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

Get ready for a long post of storytelling! We just got back from 10 days up at my parents' house in the Central Valley celebrating Christmas. It felt like we didn't do anything but relax, but now that I've compiled our pictures I see that we--especially Soren--had an eventful trip! Besides laying around, drinking coffee, and chatting with family by the fire, this is what the rest of our trip looked like...We took walks almost daily around my dad's vineyard and experienced some incredible Valley sunsets.My dad took Bran and Soren to John Deere and Soren got his first toy tractor (with many more to come, I'm sure). What a treat for my dad who never had a son!Soren got re-acquainted with his Uncle Scotty and Aunty Dani and just laughed and laughed.Bran and I took advantage of free babysitting and enjoyed a getaway in Shaver Lake where we snowboarded, relaxed at a B & B, and woke up to fresh snow in the morning! We know Mamae loved being with Soren at least as much as we loved the break.Soren had his first Christmas! It was a bit overwhelming for him, but we sure loved watching him get all kinds of "big kid" toys like a golf set, a basketball hoop, and an "autographed" Chargers football.And surrounded by all of his new toys Soren had the most fun playing in an empty basket!Soren made friends with Cooper (Scotty's nephew) who is just 2 weeks older than him. It was hilarious to watch the two meet by staring at each other and grabbing each other's faces! It made me wish Soren had a friend his age close by.And one of my highlights is getting to see all of my extended family at Christmas. Of course Soren had fun charming them as well!We so enjoyed just soaking up quality time with my sisters, brothers-in-law and parents. That is what makes Christmas for me.

A romance in the making?

2009-12-15T19:52:00.000-08:00

It all started in late 2008 when my dear friend Sonya and I got pregnant a few months apart. I was due in April and she in July. I was painting my nursery blue and she was collecting adorable girl clothes.
First came Soren Gabriel...and then Quinn Michele.They began by just playing next to each other.Then Soren started reaching for Quinn's hand.Then Quinn started liking it. And now they're just buds.Our families are loving the match so far....

Postpartum identity crisis

2009-12-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I had an interesting encounter with a stranger that has left an indelible impression on me. I was shopping with Soren in my favorite store Anthropologie and a young woman began googling over how cute Soren was (this happens quite often, as you might imagine:-). She ended the interaction by saying, "What I really want is a little boy like yours, but since I can't have that I'm just gonna buy another pair of jeans to make myself feel better." I looked at this beautiful, thin, young, stylish woman in disbelief. She needed something to make her feel better about herself? I had what she wanted? And so the universal cliche hit home to me in a powerful new way--people, love, relationships are what really matter in this life.
You could say that I've entered into a postpartum identity crisis recently. I've cut my hair (bangs--yikes!), bought leggings (another yikes), and attempted another diet, all as a fight against becoming what I am: a mom. I guess being a mom must be something old, boring and fat in my mind because I seem to be deathly afraid of giving in to this new identity. Or perhaps this is just a new stage of life which means a new place for my lifelong insecurities to wreak havoc on me. Whatever the reason for this crisis, what I do know is that I am struggling once again to find freedom, peace and grace in my own skin. So I keep coming back to the valuable message this stranger in Anthropologie taught me: becoming a mother has brought me the most precious and eternal gift--my son.

So thankful...

2009-11-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

...for new life this year. As we went around the dinner table today with family and friends to share what we were thankful for, it was only too easy and obvious for me to choose my son. But really, I can't even begin to express how overwhelmed I am with love and gratitude for my dear Soren Gabriel. Every day I look at him with awe and just can't get over the miracle that this little person, unique and all his own, came from Brandon and me. Our love for each other gave birth to a new person that will have his own place in this world. He will have hobbies, talents, friends, adventures, and--I struggle to say it--a wife someday. God has entrusted to Brandon and me the enormous and incredible gift of raising and loving this new life into adulthood. Wow. Thank you God. May we honor you with your most tremendous gift to us.

Our little Super-Charger

2009-11-25T16:51:00.000-08:00

In honor of our San Diego Chargers--who have been on a big upswing recently--I decided I had to share some pictures of our little super-Charger. Soren proudly wears his Chargers onesie every Sunday and cracks up when I sing their old theme song "San Diego Super Chargers". He also got a kick out of the football we introduced to him a few Sundays ago! No pressure to be a football player, right?:-)

My life according to Switchfoot

2009-11-11T10:20:00.000-08:00

To say music is powerful is an understatement.This last Sunday Brandon and I saw our favorite band Switchfoot in concert. It was truly a powerful experience. I think because they are a local band they gave their San Diego fans the treat of hearing their brand-new album played back-to-back in its entirety. And then they proceeded to play one song from each of their other albums. As we journeyed through their musical history I was hit by how each album represented an important stage in my life. Switchfoot is the one musical entity that has unknowingly journeyed with me throughout my entire adult life, bringing gifts of hope, motivation, humility, and insight. In a way, they have helped me understand my story. So just as my life story can be seen through my favorite books, so can pieces of it be seen through Switchfoot songs. Here's a look at our journey...

Chem 6A (from The Legend of Chin): a class I actually took at UCSD freshman year!

"I don't know what love is
And I don't know who I am
And if I ever wanna find out
I'll watch the movie
Cuz it's not me
I'm just like everybody else my age"

Only Hope (from New Way to be Human): the soundtrack to pictures of my life on our wedding video

"Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray-
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now your my only hope"

The Economy of Mercy (from Learning to Breathe): this spoke to my brokenness while living in Virginia

"In the economy of mercy
I am a poor and begging man
In the currency of grace
Is where my song begins
In the colors of Your goodness
In the scars that mark Your skin
In the currency of grace
Is where my song begins"

On Fire (from The Beautiful Letdown): what I clung to the summer I was engaged and working my first nursing job

"And I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

I'm standing on the edge of me,
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've ever been
And I've been standing at the edge of me, standing
At the edge"

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine (from Nothing is Sound): again, meeting me in my Virginia brokenness

"Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain well
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine"

Faust, Midas, and Myself (from Oh! Gravity.): a provocative song that gave me motivation to pick up the pieces after the darkness had passed and we were back in California (I just had to include the whole song...)

"This one’s about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
Put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

Said I’ve seen you here before
I know your name
How you could have your pick
Of pretty things
You could have it all
Everything at once
Everything you’ve seen
Everything you’ll need
Everything you’ve ever had in fantasies

You have one life
You have one life

One life left to lead
You have one life
You have one life

One life left to lead

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
The Girl I’ve never seen
With Golden skin
I jump up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don’t think this is me
Is this just a dream?
Or really happening, happening

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead

What direction
What direction
I’m spinning up
I’m spinning up
This is my personal disaffection

What direction
What Direction
What Direction now

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
The Golden eyes were dead
A thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can’t really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold
Without a touch of gold

What direction
What direction
What direction
What direction
Life begins at the intersection
What direction
What direction
What direction
What direction

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With a night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
Was now the perfect joy

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead"

Still waiting to find a favorite on their new album Hello Hurricane...

Does anyone else have music that tells their stories?

What I really love

2009-10-20T21:44:00.001-07:00

People always ask me, "So do you just love motherhood?" And I always respond with a sure "yes" and accompanying smile. But then I always feel ingenuine and walk away puzzled by my inner ambiguity. I do love motherhood, right? Well recently, after one of these exact conversations with someone, it hit me what the problem was. I do love motherhood, but that's not really how I think of my life. I am happy and fulfilled because I love my son, not the lifestyle that he brings. I can't get over how crazy, madly, and deeply I am in love with my little Soren. I know, people always say that you will experience a love for your child that you've never experienced before. Words just can't wrap around this kind of love. I mean, I am so stinkin' excited to spend each and every day with my little guy. It doesn't matter how tired and sleepy I am in the early morning--when Brandon brings Soren in with a big smile on his face my whole world lights up. I go crazy over his giggle, his chubby hands, his smooth belly, his amazing-smelling head...oh, and his light-up-the-room smile. There is nothing like that smile. I really feel like I'm in love and can't get enough of my son. It's just so much more than I ever expected. So more than motherhood, what I really love is that I get to have this incredible boy named Soren in my life.

A Virginia retreat

2009-10-17T08:16:00.001-07:00

After all the chaos of the last few weeks, we finally got some sweet relief. We got to visit our dear friends in Virginia!! It was a short but restful weekend in charming Charlottesville that left us feeling encouraged and restored. Soren got to meet and enjoy so many of our favorite people--Tim, Jenn, Kevin, Tim W., Chris, Sarah, and Tuula--which was so fun for Brandon and I to watch. And we even got to experience the beginnings of fall in the East with red leaves and cool rain. But most importantly, we got to just be ourselves and curl up with good friends. That's the kind of retreat I could use more often.

Life under construction

2009-10-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

Life has been hard lately. Really hard. Our house is under complete construction and so Soren and I have been forced to live like gypsies for the last week and a half, bouncing around from house to house. Thank God for generous friends who have opened their homes to us--Tim & Tracy, Kevin & Sonya, Bruce & Mary, Mike & Aurora. Friends are family to us down here as we have chosen to live away from our families. But even with the generosity and great times playing with friends, it's been hard. Our house is pretty much piled under plastic tarps and covered in dirt. We have to be out by 8am every morning so the work crews can get going. And then it's the challenge of making sure Soren can get some decent naps wherever we are for the day. He is just so amazing. I don't think I ever fully realize just how mellow and adaptable he really is. I'm the one who's struggling. Hopefully it will all be over in another week. I swear I will never take our precious house for granted again! And, really, I can't complain. The airport authority is putting in new windows, central heating and air, and updated electrical work for free!! We are so, so blessed.And Soren's gotten to play with lots of friends...Quinn, Pele (the dog), Uncle Andrew & Tante Janneke, Zeke, and Banning & Roddick.He also let off some serious steam after our rough week!

The Law, My Law

2009-09-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well I (Brandon) finally decided to contribute to the family blog. So I have been learning some things lately about how as soon as I experience God or anything of His realm in my life I immediately try to define that experience and hem it in so I can replicate it at any time. What I am realizing is that this is taking God right out of it and inserting myself in His place. So here is a poem I wrote about that idea.

The Law, My Law

Lord, oh Lord how I love to be with Thee,

Treasure these times oh Lord I do.

As I bask and sit in your presence I could forever be,

To be with you oh Lord, all I want is you.

This is how it should always be I think,

With you, next to you, connected at last.

I’ve found it Lord! The secret, the missing link!

Finally, I’ve got it! What a fool I was in the past!

Now that I am here let me record the events,

Let me write down this way, never to forget.

I will make a map recording each turn, every way I went,

The Law is recorded, the path is clear, success a sure bet.

This experience is too high, too far from my understanding,

This moment too shaky, unpredictable, uncertain at best.

I want it always, I want it now, I want it right from where I am standing

So I pull and I tug and gaze over the crest.

I follow my map and tug as hard as I can,

I can see it there it is now in my sight.

I almost got it, it’s working ahh yes my plan!

As I hold it and touch it, it seems so light.

What happened to the weight it once had?

The color seems dull, imperfect at best.

As I inspect it I see, this is not what made me glad,

It’s hollow and empty, just like all the rest.

I open up my treasure and I am surprised about what’s inside

First I find my map, not treasure at all.

A map that leads to its maker is no treasure to hide,

This trail of sure success only lead me to fall.

Finally I discover the real contents of my loot,

Is this what I longed for? What I worked so hard to obtain?

The answer is No! I’ve taken the wrong route,

There I am sitting inside. Me in all my glory and pride so vain!

In my attempts to find God I miss him completely,

It’s because I try to hem Him in, in this cold world of the Law.

I try to bring Him to me, not realizing my strength is depleted,

My maps, rules, guidelines, securities are just fear, fear is my Law.

If I can just stay with Him, with His Spirit that is,

I can float on his tide, bask in his rays, be rocked by his waves,

be crushed by his storms but all in all I can be suspended by His Love.

The dynamics of this relationship can never be defined.

As soon as we do the love turns in.

As soon as it is by our own strength we only hold ourselves.

We can only relate with God when we live in his world of the constantly changing,

ever powerful, journey of love.

Soren's new sound

2009-09-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Soren's got a new sound--or scream--these days and it's just hilarious. Okay, we probably get a way bigger kick out of it than anyone else will, but we hope he brings a smile to your face!

Remembering what "church" is for

2009-09-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight I remembered why we have joined such an unconventional church. I have been having my doubts recently--and I guess they're always in the back of my mind--about what our church group is, why we started what we did, what direction we're headed in, and why I continue to go. This last week I heard something about a big, popular church in San Diego that offers a block of free childcare so that moms can cater to themselves once a week. I couldn't help but be a little envious of a program like that. And we left another big church in San Diego a year or so ago that was filled with mostly people just like us--young, middle-class, churched professionals. It seemed so easy to build social networks there. I've been thinking a lot about the things I miss out on by not attending a traditional, larger church...instant social circles with people like me (at least on the surface), moms groups, inspiring communal worship with a professional band, fun all-church activities, and the ease to come and go as I please. Programs, luxuries, and comfort. That's what church is supposed to be about, right? Hmmm...
Let me describe the church we are now a part of. We meet in a coffee shop in Ocean Beach, our local hippie beach town. We have an hour of eating sandwiches, drinking coffee, and just chatting with each other while the shop is still open. Then the shop closes up and we form a circle. Most of the time there are not more than 15 of us. We sing, accompanied by a single guitar, we read Bible verses, and we share our praises and concerns. Oftentimes our sharing takes up most of the hour. Then one of the several ordained ministers in our group shares a short and informal sermon. We share in the Eucharist together and then it's done. It's really as simple as that.
Tonight I looked around our circle and was amazed to see the diversity among us. All different ages and various walks of life were represented tonight. But wonderful as it is, diversity creates discomfort. As does an intimate setting and the lack of a formal structure. And yet we all push forward through the awkward moments and uncertainties and then something beautiful emerges. We see into each other's hearts and we experience God together. We don't get goosebumps because of a rockin' worship song, we don't get absolute answers from the pastor's sermon, we don't get Sunday lunch plans from shaking hands with our neighbor. We simply experience the power and presence of God by communing together as children of God. I remember now what I believe Jesus intended the body of Christ to be. And I am so, so thankful to feel that maybe, just maybe, our little group in OB is experiencing "church" as He intended it to be.

Real food for Soren!

2009-09-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Soren just stopped sleeping through the night. As any mom who treasures her sleep would do, I immediately started reading up on why he could be doing this! My theory was that maybe he was not getting enough nutrition (although his rolls behind his knees tell a different story) and so I decided to start feeding him solid food. The first night we gave him rice cereal for dinner he slept through the night again! Soren has taken to food quite well (we're not surprised), and it's hilarious to watch!

The night before we started solids, Soren started hinting to us he was ready by grabbing Daddy's fork and trying to eat off his plate!

Fat and happy with rice cereal...

...and we've added peas too!

My life in books

2009-08-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

My sister Dani has requested that I post an entry highlighting the books that have been most influential in my life thus far. At first I was a little daunted by the overwhelming idea of gathering my thoughts in this area, but I am so grateful for her nudging. As many of you may know, I have been (and perhaps still am) on a tumultuous journey of spiritual transformation. This has included the common stage of questioning my upbringing while in college, but has also led to some new perspectives and major paradigm shifts that have disrupted many relationships in my life. At this point I feel as though the waters have calmed--inside and outside myself--but I hope that the questioning and transforming of my heart and mind remains a lifelong process. Here's a look at my journey so far, told by the books that have deeply moved me...

I first became proactive about my spiritual growth when I was in the eighth grade. My mother gave me a copy of the Christian devotional classic My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, and I read through it over and over again all the way through high school. Chambers gave me deep insight into biblical passages that had never meant anything to me before, and he introduced me to the idea of spiritual reflection.

Once in college my world was greatly broadened with a wide variety of incredible Christian and secular authors. In a theology class I was introduced to a poet and modern-day mystic, Kathleen Norris. I first read her book The Cloister Walk and became intrigued with her tales of life in a monastery. I credit her with my continuing intrigue and desire for a more liturgical and mystic practice of faith. I have devoured many more of her books (my favorite being Amazing Grace) and am currently reading Dakota.

I would have to say that my favorite spiritual author, whom I discovered in college, is Henri Nouwen. I first read his book Compassion, and was deeply affected by his radical notion that missionaries, more often than not, portray a sense of arrogance by traveling to another culture and immediately attempting to "help them" with their Americanized Christian culture. There is much more I could say about Nouwen's words, but I must highlight my favorite book of his--and one of my favorite books of all-time--Reaching Out. In essence, this book simply and beautifully describes the spiritual life as I want to live it and I have gone back to it time and time again for his wisdom, comfort, and grace. I'm thinking it's probably time to visit this book again...

Somewhere around my fourth year of college is where I was hit with a bang by Brian McLaren's A New Kind of Christian. Up to this point I had begun feeling uneasy about the inherited Christian spirituality of my youth but didn't know what to do with those feelings. This book pretty much put into words the questions I'd been wrestling with and gave me a whole new approach to Christianity. It was a huge breath of fresh air and gave me the confidence I needed to step out into a transforming process. I am forever grateful for Brian McLaren's courage in writing such a counter-cultural book within the Christian culture.

One of my last classes at Point Loma came at the perfect time as I was eager for new spiritual perspectives--Moral Development with Dr. Mike Leffel. He continued to spur on my questioning and introduced me to several incredible authors who I am still reading five years later! My favorites from this class include: The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm, The Heart of Christianity by Marcus Borg, and Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross. If only I had the time to expound on the richness of these books and authors...

After college I went through a very dark time where I questioned even more of my background, religion, and identity. I found a light-hearted, humorous take on religion in Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, and a peaceful, open-minded look at spirituality in Hermann Hesse's Siddartha. I rediscovered a more traditional Christian author, John Eldredge, in Captivating, which he wrote with his wife on the beautiful identity of a woman. That book gave me so much in learning to love myself. And then there was The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. (Sigh...) This book, in my opinion, sums up everything meaningful, beautiful, and true about life. It's subtitle should be taken from Switchfoot's song: "Life, Love and Why". This book awakened in me a passion for psychology and gave me tools to battle out my inner darkness and embrace God's light inside of me. I have continued to read more of Scott Peck and have decided that he speaks my mind like no other author I know. It's just blissful.

And now I come to the more recent segment of my life. (Yes, I should be wrapping this up soon.) I stumbled upon an entirely different kind of book, Spilling Open by Sabrina Ward Harrison, that mixes unique art with journal entries. It's witty, raw, beautiful, and such a delightful treat with a warm cup of hot chocolate on a cold night. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is also a most delightful treat. This very popular book documents a woman's journey to find herself through pleasures, spirituality, and relationships. It was simply inspiring to me as I continue to find myself. And the book that has most recently moved me is Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer. This book was given to me in a time when I was overwhelmed by indecisiveness about who I am in relation to my career. The book's message can be summed up with my favorite quote (which does not come from this book): "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." And that's what this process is really all about--coming alive.

My mother, Merchar

2009-08-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know my mother, you know what an endearing, interesting, mysterious woman she is. Raised in Brazil as a missionary kid and the wife of a farmer in the Central Valley, these descriptions are only a start in telling about my mom. I was so moved by my sister Dani's blog on my mom recently that I just had to steal her entry and post it here. A beautiful and witty tribute to my mother...

"She likes to analyze you and herself. She is full of contradictions and I let her know that all of the time. She is the reason I am me in so many ways. She encourages me to be a feminist even though she is not one. She is inwardly feisty yet extremely, annoyingly, self-deprecatingly meek and humble. She encourages me to question things that she cannot or will not herself. She knows the importance of coming to your own conclusions and not accepting things at face value. She questions many things about herself--although irritating at times, it has shown me the importance of openness and honesty about yourself, maybe to a fault. She is infamous for her probing questions.

Sometimes her naivete about the world is a little shocking for someone of her age and intelligence. But then she will text you and sign off with 'lol' and you wonder if she really is that naive about the world and pop culture or if she just feigns innocence for the fun of it. She doesn't like to be called a closet liberal despite her views on foreign policy and the war because she voted for Bush twice and really likes Sarah Palin (I don't believe it, but I'll respect her wishes begrudgingly.)

Most people really like my mom. In high school my sisters and I had some friends that would come over just to hang out with her instead of us. Maybe because they really needed a good therapy session and she will analyze you without you even realizing it. People who don't like my mom are just shallow and don't get her and it's really too bad because I think she is often misunderstood. Possibly because she's so full of contradictions that you have to get to know her to take it all in and appreciate the confusion for what it is and not try to fit her into some silly box that you've contrived.

We call her Merchar and I have no clue why. But that's just our family. The original Merchar was actually a siamese cat we had for like 15 years, Milo. Most pets of ours usually start with one name and end with a completely different one. That's mostly Monique's doing. Just ask her what her latest name is for her husband. Or don't ask, if you don't like hearing peoples' pet names for each other. Yvette doesn't really. Nevertheless, we call my mom Merchar respectfully and lovingly and her license plate is even 'MERCHAR'. So if you ever drive by my mom just honk and wave and she will probably freak out that a stranger just did that (even if she knows you, her vision is horrible and she won't recognize you) and she'll then try to analyze later why some random person on the freeway would do such a thing.

I love my mom."

I couldn't have said it better, Dani.

Family fun in Hawaii!

2009-08-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

We've been home over a week now, and I've been dragging my feet just a tad about posting something ginormous to tell our Hawaii story. It was an awesome two weeks of family fun in Hana, Maui at Brandon's dad and stepmom's house. We did the usual fun things...hiking, surfing, swimming, being creative on rainy days...

My highlight was paddling in a traditional Hawaiian canoe and Brandon's was mountain biking down the Haleakala crater.

But I must admit, it took me awhile to get used to the new type of family vacation we will be experiencing for the next 18 years... We were up at 6am, played HARD all morning, rushed to be home for naptime in the afternoon (which I often joined in on), waited to enjoy dinner after the kids were in bed, and then all fell asleep on the couch around 9pm! So different from our normal Hawaii trips, but just a different kind of fun, I learned. I learned to love the early mornings drinking my coffee and watching the sunrise with Brandon, Soren and Malakai. I learned to love cousin bathtimes, running around the yard, and just jumping in the waves.
It was a richer experience as I got to spend more time just enjoying the family that I love so much. And I guess that's what family vacations are for, right?

Water boy?

2009-07-18T17:08:00.001-07:00

So we've started Soren early in the water, hoping he'll take after Mommy and turn into a little water boy!

We love bathtime!

2009-07-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know who loves bathtime more...Mommy or Soren!

The playmat

2009-07-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

This last week we introduced Soren to his playmat and he just loves it! His new trick is lifting his legs and then throwing them on the ground. He's quite the wild man!

Hooray for UVa!

2009-06-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

Ode to Virginia...

Earlier this week I caught my boys both wearing their University of Virginia shirts and I couldn't resist this shot. And now I can't stop reminiscing about the good ol' days in C-Ville, Virginia. Charlottesville was the perfect quintessential college town. Every Saturday in the fall the town was filled with a sea of orange as mobs of people made their way to Scott Stadium for the big football game. And every time the Cavs scored a goal we would all stand, put our arms around each other, and sing the fight song:
"That good ole' song of Wahoo-wah, We'll sing it o'er and o'er, it cheers our hearts and warms our blood to hear them shout and roar. We come from old Virginia, where all is bright and gay. Let's all join hands and give a yell for dear old UVa. Wahoo-wah, wahoo-wah, Uni-v Virginia, hoo-rah-ray, hoo-rah-ray, ray! ray! U-Va!"
I get butterflies in my stomach just humming it:-)
Of course there were the incredibly beautiful seasons that made Charlottesville charming, too. I can remember driving to work at the University Medical Center on early October mornings and looking out across big hills displaying a rainbow of reds, oranges, and yellows. It was just spectacular.
There were quaint used bookstores, summer swims in the river, historic riches in Jefferson's university, strolls along UVa's Lawn, and the intoxicating smell of honeysuckle in the spring.
But most importantly, there were dear--and I mean dear--friends. Our small group of friends became our family, our home away from home, and gave eternal meaning to our big move across the country. We laughed together (almost constantly), traveled together ("Georgia on my mind"), served together, prayed together, and shared our hearts with each other. Through these friends I learned what it truly means to love another selflessly. Brandon and I were loved like never before.
So thank you, Virginia, for giving us East Coast beauty, a D-1 college experience, and the friends of a lifetime.

Soren Coos!

2009-06-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

Meeting the Family

2009-06-22T11:13:00.001-07:00

Over the past 2 months Soren has had a chance to meet all of his new family. He's had a lot of fun...

being held by Grandma Jojo...

doing exercises with Popop...

cuddling with Aunty Yvette...

hanging with Aunty Dani...

laughing with Mamae...

being entertained by Uncle Zac and cousin Malakai...

chillin' with cousin Kihana...

cooing with Aunty Hill...

copying Papai's hairstyle...

giving Great Aunt Barbara her baby fix...

...and "pounding it" with the Hansen cousins.