Hello and goodbye

Hello. It's been awhile! Finals, Christmas break in Cali, the start of a new semester, health issues... There has been a lot to keep me from this blog.
But really, I'm writing to say goodbye. For awhile, at least.
Every year I come up with a New Year's theme (my antithesis to the resolutions of striving that hold me in bondage), and this year I chose the word simplify. It took me a year and a half of graduate school to realize just how unbelievably hard this life is. For some ridiculous reason I entered into this new life assuming that I could keep up with everything like I always did. Cooking gourmet meals every other night, regularly hosting dinner parties, engaging in art projects, being super social, traveling near and far, keeping up my blog... Yeah, right. Something finally got through to me by the end of last semester, and I was able to see how insane my expectations for myself had been. Juggling motherhood, a marriage, and grad school is more than enough to make me crazy. And so the word simplify came into focus. I desire to strip my life down to its barest roots and cling to only what really matters. In essence, if it isn't a necessity or it isn't life-giving, chuck it. For example, cleaning the bathrooms: a necessity. Yoga classes: life-giving. But blogging? There are times when pouring out my heart through writing is life-giving. But there are many other times when I spend far too long writing, and then get caught up on how many people responded (or didn't respond) to my post, or how boring it was, etc. Those ruminations are definitely not life-giving.
And so--in an effort to nurture myself (and my soul could use some nurturing)--I am letting go of this form of communication for the time being. I'll probably even give up Facebook for Lent again, too. It's difficult swimming upstream against our society's current of "busier is better". But my soul needs a rest. Just writing those words gives me a whisper of peace already.

A holiday as it should be

This Thanksgiving was everything a holiday should be...quality time with family, an abundance of yummy comfort food, cozy times around the fire, and plenty of laughter from kids playing. We couldn't have asked for more.

For the first time in 10 years, we got to spend a holiday with Brandon's brother Zac and his family (Hillary, Malakai & Kihana), and Brandon's mom and stepdad. We got a couple days with Z & H and kids in our home before making the road trip up to Grandma Jojo and Grandpa Gordon's cabin in Northern Arizona. Of course, we had to take Z & H to Sedona--our absolutely favorite place in Arizona. (I've said this before, right?:-) And it did not disappoint.It was so rewarding to watch our next generation get excited about hiking and nature!

Then it was 4 days out of civilization. No TV, no internet, no paved roads, hardly any cell phone service, and solar-powered electricity. Always an adventure, and always a retreat.
There was baseball, mountain biking, and horseshoes.The cousins even got to have Christmas morning together!And one of the most special things was getting to watch Soren and Malakai love on each other. They are almost the same age difference as Brandon and Zac, which of course reminded everyone of the Sawyer boys as kids. I'm sure Grandma Jojo was in heaven!At one point on our caravan drive to the cabin Brandon said, "Right now, life feels exactly as it should be." Thank you, God, for glimpses such as these.

What does Advent mean to you?

The meaning of Advent has been weaving through my inner thoughts over the past week. It's a term I rarely heard spoken as a child and definitely never celebrated in my Evangelical upbringing. But as an adult who now runs in more progressive/liturgical Christian circles, I hear this word regularly and only wish I knew of its meaning. It's more than calendars, small presents, and candle lightings, right? I am hoping that Advent is more than some "25 days of Christmas" sort of thing. So what is it, exactly?
My sister and her husband have decided to celebrate Advent this year by doing something Christmas-y each day in December...ice skating, going to light parades, making Christmas cards, etc.
A blogger in my church fellowship is writing on his personal journey with the weekly themes of Advent.My little home church welcomed the season of Advent last night with a candlelit labyrinth. We spent time walking and reflecting on our journeys and the things we carry, symbolized by stones we literally carried in our hands along the walk. We stopped at various stations along the way to offer thanks, appreciate God's goodness, participate in hope, and experience peace as we let go of the stones/burdens of our lives.
Yet still, I am searching for what is at the heart of the season of Advent. I have heard it is to be a time that we prepare for the coming of our Lord. Beautiful language that often evades me. And so I open up this conversation to you...

What does the Advent season mean to you this year?

Fall. Finally.

We made it. To November. For us Arizonans, fall comes a little late. I now know that I can count on refreshing, cooler weather by Halloween. We even got an extra little blessing this weekend with a cold front and rain, bringing the temp down to the low 60s. So out of hibernation we crawled, with hopeful hearts and a renewed sense of love for this desert land.Just the 3 of us frolicked through our local farm's fall festival. The simple joys...

milking fake cows...

climbing on tire towers...

petting real cows...

kissing another fake cow...

...oh yes, and measuring Soren's height for the year. He made it to a full 3 feet!

Our little hiker boy!

I (Brandon) couldn't be more proud of my little guy this week! It is finally cooling down enough in the mornings to have fun outside so I took Soren on a hike. He was so excited to go. We got his Ranger Rick binoculars, his camo shoes, his gecko tanker, and he was ready to go.

We started out by trying to head down a normal trail, but Soren was not having that. He started pointing off the trail into a dried river bed saying: "I wanna go that way!" After trying to lead him back on the trail for a few minutes he ended up laying in the dirt crying. So I gave in and we started our adventure the way Soren wanted to do it. For the next 90 minutes we did not see the trail. He went up and down ravines, over rocks, and through bushes. Any obstacle you can think of he went straight for it. Many times I tried to hold his hand down steep and rocky sections and he got so mad at me. He is a such an independent little guy.

Our local hike was just the start. On Saturday we took a day trip to Sedona and went for a beautiful hike. Sedona is just an amazing place! Such a gem of Arizona.

We brought our carrier, but Soren wanted nothing to do with it for the first hour and a half. We hiked a good 1.5 miles up and down some very rocky and hilly terrain and he just charged it. We would stop to take water breaks every once in a while and Soren would get a quick drink and say: "I wanna hike!" So off we went.

I really haven't pushed him to be so much of a "Sawyer" but he is turning out to be quite the adventurous little guy. However it happened it makes me one proud Dada. I am a truly blessed man with a wonderful adventurous little guy.

Finding my voice

This week at my immersion session (where we get together for several intense days of class) I had a different and profound experience. Our class was split into two groups, each with a professor, and we ventured into a day and a half of group therapy. What happened there I did not expect. People opened their hearts in such vulnerable ways and revealed brokenness, pain, strength, beauty, wisdom, and love. I learned so much about others. We became like a family. And I learned so much from watching some pretty uncomfortable conflict between group members and the leader. I pondered a lot on my silence in the group and what that means. How much of me is insecurely shy and how much of me is confidently quiet? What is my voice? What do I have to contribute to the group, my clients, all those in my life? I don't have any answers yet. But I am pondering. I want to know who I am more clearly, more confidently. I want to speak out to others with intention, not pushed by fears, insecurities, or expectations of others. I want to know in every crevice of my soul that my voice is worth being heard. And I wonder if my greatest calling is to help my clients, and others, find the gift of their own voice as well.

Why I run

Yesterday on my run Soren asked me: "Mama, why you running?" And I gave him the short answer: "Because it's good for my body. It makes me healthy and strong." But someday I'm going to give him the long answer:

Source: peace-love-run.tumblr.com via Monique on Pinterest