So thankful...

...for new life this year. As we went around the dinner table today with family and friends to share what we were thankful for, it was only too easy and obvious for me to choose my son. But really, I can't even begin to express how overwhelmed I am with love and gratitude for my dear Soren Gabriel. Every day I look at him with awe and just can't get over the miracle that this little person, unique and all his own, came from Brandon and me. Our love for each other gave birth to a new person that will have his own place in this world. He will have hobbies, talents, friends, adventures, and--I struggle to say it--a wife someday. God has entrusted to Brandon and me the enormous and incredible gift of raising and loving this new life into adulthood. Wow. Thank you God. May we honor you with your most tremendous gift to us.

Our little Super-Charger

In honor of our San Diego Chargers--who have been on a big upswing recently--I decided I had to share some pictures of our little super-Charger. Soren proudly wears his Chargers onesie every Sunday and cracks up when I sing their old theme song "San Diego Super Chargers". He also got a kick out of the football we introduced to him a few Sundays ago! No pressure to be a football player, right?:-)

My life according to Switchfoot

To say music is powerful is an understatement.This last Sunday Brandon and I saw our favorite band Switchfoot in concert. It was truly a powerful experience. I think because they are a local band they gave their San Diego fans the treat of hearing their brand-new album played back-to-back in its entirety. And then they proceeded to play one song from each of their other albums. As we journeyed through their musical history I was hit by how each album represented an important stage in my life. Switchfoot is the one musical entity that has unknowingly journeyed with me throughout my entire adult life, bringing gifts of hope, motivation, humility, and insight. In a way, they have helped me understand my story. So just as my life story can be seen through my favorite books, so can pieces of it be seen through Switchfoot songs. Here's a look at our journey...

Chem 6A (from The Legend of Chin): a class I actually took at UCSD freshman year!

"I don't know what love is
And I don't know who I am
And if I ever wanna find out
I'll watch the movie
Cuz it's not me
I'm just like everybody else my age"

Only Hope (from New Way to be Human): the soundtrack to pictures of my life on our wedding video

"Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray-
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now your my only hope"

The Economy of Mercy (from Learning to Breathe): this spoke to my brokenness while living in Virginia

"In the economy of mercy
I am a poor and begging man
In the currency of grace
Is where my song begins
In the colors of Your goodness
In the scars that mark Your skin
In the currency of grace
Is where my song begins"

On Fire (from The Beautiful Letdown): what I clung to the summer I was engaged and working my first nursing job

"And I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

I'm standing on the edge of me,
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've ever been
And I've been standing at the edge of me, standing
At the edge"

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine (from Nothing is Sound): again, meeting me in my Virginia brokenness

"Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain well
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine"

Faust, Midas, and Myself (from Oh! Gravity.): a provocative song that gave me motivation to pick up the pieces after the darkness had passed and we were back in California (I just had to include the whole song...)

"This one’s about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
Put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

Said I’ve seen you here before
I know your name
How you could have your pick
Of pretty things
You could have it all
Everything at once
Everything you’ve seen
Everything you’ll need
Everything you’ve ever had in fantasies

You have one life
You have one life

One life left to lead
You have one life
You have one life

One life left to lead

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
The Girl I’ve never seen
With Golden skin
I jump up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don’t think this is me
Is this just a dream?
Or really happening, happening

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead

What direction
What direction
I’m spinning up
I’m spinning up
This is my personal disaffection

What direction
What Direction
What Direction now

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
The Golden eyes were dead
A thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can’t really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold
Without a touch of gold

What direction
What direction
What direction
What direction
Life begins at the intersection
What direction
What direction
What direction
What direction

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With a night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
Was now the perfect joy

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead

You have one life
You have one life
One life left to lead"

Still waiting to find a favorite on their new album Hello Hurricane...

Does anyone else have music that tells their stories?

What I really love

People always ask me, "So do you just love motherhood?" And I always respond with a sure "yes" and accompanying smile. But then I always feel ingenuine and walk away puzzled by my inner ambiguity. I do love motherhood, right? Well recently, after one of these exact conversations with someone, it hit me what the problem was. I do love motherhood, but that's not really how I think of my life. I am happy and fulfilled because I love my son, not the lifestyle that he brings. I can't get over how crazy, madly, and deeply I am in love with my little Soren. I know, people always say that you will experience a love for your child that you've never experienced before. Words just can't wrap around this kind of love. I mean, I am so stinkin' excited to spend each and every day with my little guy. It doesn't matter how tired and sleepy I am in the early morning--when Brandon brings Soren in with a big smile on his face my whole world lights up. I go crazy over his giggle, his chubby hands, his smooth belly, his amazing-smelling head...oh, and his light-up-the-room smile. There is nothing like that smile. I really feel like I'm in love and can't get enough of my son. It's just so much more than I ever expected. So more than motherhood, what I really love is that I get to have this incredible boy named Soren in my life.

A Virginia retreat

After all the chaos of the last few weeks, we finally got some sweet relief. We got to visit our dear friends in Virginia!! It was a short but restful weekend in charming Charlottesville that left us feeling encouraged and restored. Soren got to meet and enjoy so many of our favorite people--Tim, Jenn, Kevin, Tim W., Chris, Sarah, and Tuula--which was so fun for Brandon and I to watch. And we even got to experience the beginnings of fall in the East with red leaves and cool rain. But most importantly, we got to just be ourselves and curl up with good friends. That's the kind of retreat I could use more often.

Life under construction

Life has been hard lately. Really hard. Our house is under complete construction and so Soren and I have been forced to live like gypsies for the last week and a half, bouncing around from house to house. Thank God for generous friends who have opened their homes to us--Tim & Tracy, Kevin & Sonya, Bruce & Mary, Mike & Aurora. Friends are family to us down here as we have chosen to live away from our families. But even with the generosity and great times playing with friends, it's been hard. Our house is pretty much piled under plastic tarps and covered in dirt. We have to be out by 8am every morning so the work crews can get going. And then it's the challenge of making sure Soren can get some decent naps wherever we are for the day. He is just so amazing. I don't think I ever fully realize just how mellow and adaptable he really is. I'm the one who's struggling. Hopefully it will all be over in another week. I swear I will never take our precious house for granted again! And, really, I can't complain. The airport authority is putting in new windows, central heating and air, and updated electrical work for free!! We are so, so blessed.And Soren's gotten to play with lots of friends...Quinn, Pele (the dog), Uncle Andrew & Tante Janneke, Zeke, and Banning & Roddick.He also let off some serious steam after our rough week!

The Law, My Law

Well I (Brandon) finally decided to contribute to the family blog. So I have been learning some things lately about how as soon as I experience God or anything of His realm in my life I immediately try to define that experience and hem it in so I can replicate it at any time. What I am realizing is that this is taking God right out of it and inserting myself in His place. So here is a poem I wrote about that idea.

The Law, My Law

Lord, oh Lord how I love to be with Thee,

Treasure these times oh Lord I do.

As I bask and sit in your presence I could forever be,

To be with you oh Lord, all I want is you.

This is how it should always be I think,

With you, next to you, connected at last.

I’ve found it Lord! The secret, the missing link!

Finally, I’ve got it! What a fool I was in the past!

Now that I am here let me record the events,

Let me write down this way, never to forget.

I will make a map recording each turn, every way I went,

The Law is recorded, the path is clear, success a sure bet.

This experience is too high, too far from my understanding,

This moment too shaky, unpredictable, uncertain at best.

I want it always, I want it now, I want it right from where I am standing

So I pull and I tug and gaze over the crest.

I follow my map and tug as hard as I can,

I can see it there it is now in my sight.

I almost got it, it’s working ahh yes my plan!

As I hold it and touch it, it seems so light.

What happened to the weight it once had?

The color seems dull, imperfect at best.

As I inspect it I see, this is not what made me glad,

It’s hollow and empty, just like all the rest.

I open up my treasure and I am surprised about what’s inside

First I find my map, not treasure at all.

A map that leads to its maker is no treasure to hide,

This trail of sure success only lead me to fall.

Finally I discover the real contents of my loot,

Is this what I longed for? What I worked so hard to obtain?

The answer is No! I’ve taken the wrong route,

There I am sitting inside. Me in all my glory and pride so vain!

In my attempts to find God I miss him completely,

It’s because I try to hem Him in, in this cold world of the Law.

I try to bring Him to me, not realizing my strength is depleted,

My maps, rules, guidelines, securities are just fear, fear is my Law.

If I can just stay with Him, with His Spirit that is,

I can float on his tide, bask in his rays, be rocked by his waves,

be crushed by his storms but all in all I can be suspended by His Love.

The dynamics of this relationship can never be defined.

As soon as we do the love turns in.

As soon as it is by our own strength we only hold ourselves.

We can only relate with God when we live in his world of the constantly changing,

ever powerful, journey of love.